WhatsApp Mutual Aid

Motherhood has quite the build up. A combination of intense care and doting during the pregnancy, leading to a baby and a wealth of responsibilities tangled with body dysmorphia and relationship issues all culminating to the realization that “the village” does not exist. You know “the village” we all hear so much about, the one that's supposed to help raise the child. In my experience there was an odd voyeuristic effect where I felt the eyes of people watching my struggle to raise my child but unwilling or unable to actually lend a hand. It’s understandable with inflation on the rise, housing becoming increasingly unaffordable, and groceries even more so - we are all doing our best to keep our heads above water. This compassion, however, doesn’t stomp out the anger that comes from their absence. As many parents know, making toddler approved dinner, changing diapers, cleaning, making appointments, teaching, entertaining, and emotionally regulating requires a team. In isolation these tasks can be the difference between sanity and postpartum depression-a misnomer for a logical reaction to this set of activities being done by one individual.

As one enters parenthood it becomes very clear very quickly why a village of people would be needed to raise a singular child. And only a few months into motherhood did I slowly realize that birthing people for years have been bearing the unspoken load that is rearing a child. Often we are unable to warn other expecting parents because we are either in the midst of it and too tired to articulate what’s really happening, or we are past it, and just like the birth, have forgotten the true pain of it and are just grateful we survived. And when the sadness from that realization settled, I was left with the tiredness that I had to begin with and now the added loads of anger and sadness of generations. With the financial and social realities I had been dealt and the desperate need for a change, I set my sights on visiting India. After Indian friends had suggested Goa, I decided I had nothing to lose.

This is precisely where my heart had landed as I boarded the plane to Goa, India with my one and a half year old son and our carry on of belongings. Escaping the insanity that America, my family, some friends, and entertainment tried to convince me was normalcy. The story I had been given suggested that I needed to do it all, that I needed to compromise my values around child care, that it was expected for me to be constantly exhausted, that my needs no longer mattered, and that mothering wasn't enough. I didn't know what I was doing exactly but I knew I needed to rewrite my story of what it meant to be a solo full-time mom. More importantly I decided going where my heart led me was the best thing I could do for my son especially when nothing else made logical sense. I’ve had an affinity for Indian culture for a couple of years. The food, the spirituality, and the traditional garb all intrigued me enough to see what the land was like. With these budding curiosities, encouragement from friends, and a big leap of faith, my son and I left the states without a return ticket.

Whatsapp Mutual Aid

Goa is a state on the western coast of India with a long history as a Portuguese colony. Often used as a vacation spot for Indians from other parts of the country, this place is known for its open mindedness, beaches, and slow living. It’s also home to a large Russian population that dates back to the 60s; families flocked here that were attracted to the slow living lifestyle. There are even menus printed in Russian at popular restaurants. For many others it's a beacon of hope for people who like to live outside of capitalism and rely on people supporting each other to get their needs met, although the truly radical nature of this lifestyle is mostly a thing of the past as Goa has now become a popular tourist destination and a place to party for those looking for that scene. It's also a place for families to have a more balanced life surrounded by nature but still in touch with modern comforts.

A culture that respects cows roaming the streets; and a land peppered with coconut, jackfruit, and mango trees greeted us as we stepped off the plane. A few months into my journey, the culture of support in motherhood opened up after attending one mom's circle at the Assagao Birthing Center in Goa, which is owned by an Afro German woman, Corinna Stahlhofen. From there I met a mom friend and was entered into at least four WhatsApp groups populated with parents crowd sourcing resources of all kinds. WhatsApp Mutual Aid had entered the chat. Pediatricians, caretakers, hand-me-down baby items of all kinds, play schools, and visa advice were all at my fingertips within seconds. I quickly found out that Excel sheets and Whatsapp groups of resources are a part of the fabric of life here in Goa. Starting in 2020 when the world shut down, the supply chain in Goa completely broke down. Food systems were almost obsolete and Goans were left to meet their needs without the help of grocery stores and the government. Goans were using WhatsApp to trade potatoes for rice, and oil for medicine. This digitized the already established culture of collective responsibility and since then the social architecture has strengthened to be a large part of the economy.

These WhatsApp groups changed my life overnight. I went from struggling to find something to eat and a way to get around to relaxing into the support provided by the care of an Excel sheet. I opened the spreadsheet and my eyes widened as I could hear the theatrical voices of angels singing when I scrolled looking at the tiny screen on my phone. There were tiffins (home cooking services), pilots (transportation on scooters), and childcare providers all separated by area served and WhatsApp phone number. It was incredible. First, that I wasn't the one trying to wrangle people to make such a spreadsheet (as I've done in the past with coworkers and friends) but that there was more where this came from! I only reached out to two numbers before I found the resources that I desperately needed. It was a relief to know that I'm not crazy, Excel sheets can make a difference. It does work. It can work. And it really doesn't require that much of a shift to make it happen.

Like a magic wand waved, the support I needed for the past year found its way to me and through word of mouth and a culture of care I was able to find childcare, cooking support, and transportation support. With the financial support of friends and loved ones, I was able to afford cooking support at $50/mo and childcare support that allowed my son to attend daycare three times a week at $130/mo.* I went from an exhausted mom with absolutely no breaks to feeling akin to what I imagine the support is like for an upper class white woman overnight. All because of the culture of crowd sourcing resources and knowing everybody needs somebody.

The architecture and management is incredible. The admins of the groups take their job very seriously so as not to muddle the groups intentions or allow it to drift into gossip and ads. These admins are not paid. They just have the understanding that the need existed, and if not them then who? As Sasha B., manager of Komunita, a community resource group, put it, ”As far as it’s helping people it’ll keep running. Now it’s bigger than me, I can’t just step away.” Komunita is a mutual aid group built out of the pandemic to help Goans find housing, new friends, and even queer/woman friendly spaces. “I didn’t need housing myself, but I saw a huge demand for affordable housing and WhatsApp made it easier to connect with just a few clicks.” Sasha B. also emphasized the need for trusted resources and how that was a benefit many of the members cared about.

Later as I'm casually scrolling the WhatsApp groups, a woman asks for pros and cons of the play schools in the area and the opinions from parents who had experience with the school. To my surprise and delight someone immediately offered to start a spreadsheet with the information that people could add to. And again it wasn't me! I had found my people!

For context: I've been a spreadsheet making queen in my past and was always finding it hard to get people to value these simple mechanics of community. Dragging people who thought it sounded like a good idea but just didn't want to be bothered because at the end of the day “community” or creating autonomous systems of care between friends and family isn't making money.

This is due to no fault of their own, as I shared above, and I completely understand. Our lives are not set up to value community or participate in community outside of income stream driven motives. The average American works between 40 and 60 hours a week and this doesn’t include side gigs which 71% of Gen Zers are reported to have. How are they supposed to find or even care about creating community between all of that? It's hard. And with care being intentionally designed out of the systems that we move through it's a wonder any of us manage the friendships that we do. A shining example being the new housing laws that we see across the U.S. punishing the unhoused for being unhoused, and practically laughing in all of our faces as corporations continue to build condos across American cities.

I know some folks are reading this thinking that we have similar groups like GroupMes in America, or email newsletters, but the great thing about the groups I'm in is that with each person I connect with for a service, I find someone that cares about other parts of my life too. The cooking support I had also helped me find new housing and gave me mothering tips I valued; my taxi support got out of the car to make sure my son was settled at daycare, and checked on him everyday when he got an infection; and my childcare support became someone I could drink gin with on a Saturday night. With each service I got a whole person-not a compartmentalized version of them. While this also happens in America I find it to be more of a coincidence rather than a standard like it is here in Goa. Who knew an Excel sheet amongst people who care could be the 21st century version of the village? I finally found a village that worked for me.

If it works in Goa why not another place? Sure you may look like me – bugging your friends to fill out a spreadsheet – but you can visit the work that me and other GEO members did for you to get you started. There are some already built out tools to get you talking to your neighbors/friends and exchanging, pooling, and sharing resources. They aren’t parenthood focused but certainly help that specific community too. And the next time you stop at a shop in your neighborhood maybe get to know who the employees are outside of the service. Small questions go a long way in making a meaningful connection. There is a risk of being perceived as nosy but a worthy one for the reward of more people to count on.

To the birthing people in America that agree with the truths that I've laid out here, to the expecting birthers that have no idea what I'm talking about and are a bit afraid, to the hopeful soon-to-be birthers a couple of years from now- even given all of the macro factors I've laid out here, this journey is deeply personal. We all navigate it according to our values, our beliefs about ourselves, the expectations that we agree to, and so much more. You'll figure out what story you want to write given the resources you conjure to do so.

To the people that support and look forward to supporting the group above – listen and try not to give empty pick me ups as they are experiencing the very real loneliness, confusion, and heaviness that this journey can be. Support where you can as large as you can. It will matter. They will remember. You are the one they need and are counting on, especially those of us who have the blessing of witnessing this journey closely.

This digitized village doesn't combat all of the loneliness or the need for belonging but it does make the everyday decisions easy enough to think about how to get those needs met. Mutual aid through the connection of a free app, WhatsApp, with the exchanging of needs and resources and the volunteering to organize resource information has been a strong foundation to build systems of community. This paired with the ability to be a whole human, even when in service, makes all the difference in building connections with the people in your vicinity. It is also a sturdy blueprint for Americans to look toward as both the political and environmental climate show us how importantly we will need each other to keep going. Collective action to me looks like saying "I care about you" in the language of spreadsheets and "you matter to me" in the language of phone calls. Very small but very mighty mechanics of the village and most importantly nudges toward the truth that we belong to each other and how necessary it is to keep remembering that.

Photos and video by Malikia Johnson