Sex Work, Single Motherhood, and Solidarity

In this article I’m exploring the potential for sex and single parenthood to be arenas that hold answers to interpersonal liberation and deeper solidarity. Both sex work and single parenthood neutralize, in many cases, the typical life and support structured by a heteronormative relationship. This creates an opportunity for organizing our lives in ways that lean on solidarity principles like reciprocity, cooperation, and mutual care. Sex work and single parenthood both become worthy areas to study paths forward to a solidarity economy. This perspective is grounded in my experience as a single mother considering aspects of sex work, and how both of these experiences have lead to pockets of liberation in my own life.

Solidarity at its root says that my problems are your problems and we are in this together. It says I care about you and what you are going through. It says that we can figure it out together. In solidarity economy , we need to talk more about the nucleus of these dynamics being interpersonal relationships. The care exhibited in interpersonal relationships is where solidarity can take shape and hold meaning. Solidarity economy does a great job highlighting high level structural ways to organize ourselves (for example, cooperatives, communes, and mutual aid groups) and still structures like racism, capitalism, classism, etc. live in our relationships. Sex work and single parenthood underline possible ways to handle these structures through relationships. How might we build the world we want in between each other and not just over each other?

Before we begin, when I’m talking about sex work there are many different dangerous arrangements like sex trafficking, coercion, and forced interactions. I am not referring to these scenarios. I am referring to the kind of work where a person makes a distinct decision to enter into a contract of their own volition using their body in the way they agree to with a client. For example online video calls or performances like exotic dancing. I will be talking about sex and sex work as having opportunities for belonging and repair at our most vulnerable but I must state that I am aware that that level of vulnerability is subject to equal opportunities of harm.

Sex and sex work can create a vacuum for us to practice intimacy and care in liberatory ways. In it, we can attempt to set down the parts of ourselves that represent so many of the structures we detest (class, race, disability, etc.) and be seen as who we are or whoever we want to be. The awkward and uncomfortable work of negotiating care and safety (that we often do in solidarity work) can start in a place of play and curiosity. In solidarity work, in order for us to work together and make our concerns mutual we have to be vulnerable enough to share our needs. This means we have to feel safe to do so. When we do this for extended periods of time belonging becomes a necessary ingredient to maintaining the bonds that are formed. Safety and belonging become cornerstones of solidarity and essential elements inside sex and sex work. The examination of one can lead to the flourishing of the other.

I started listening to independent, self employed sex workers talking about their experience and why they did the work they do. When discussing sex work and sex, safety is a big part of the conversation. During a conversation with a friend of mine who creates sexually explicit content on the internet they said, “Sex work has helped me gain more discernment about who I trust and feel seen by.” Their higher level of discernment for safety in their work correlated to a higher level of discernment for safety (physically and emotionally) in their personal life.The process they go through to understand if an interaction is truly safe for them extends to the safety they seek in their interpersonal relationships. This example highlights the idea that the very bodies of sex workers are living documents answering many of the questions that are raised inside of solidarity work. Questions on how to cultivate safety, care, and belonging can be answered through examination of the way they constantly navigate intimate and vulnerable spaces-both on the job and off the job.

Similarly, the vulnerability of single parenthood creates opportunities for us to create liberatory spaces inside of our relationships. The care and grace involved in contending with our needs while also honoring the capacity of others is liberatory work. We are forced to answer difficult questions like: How do we stand in solidarity with people who seem that they could be doing more? For example in my own life, I find myself feeling like I'm in a fishbowl. Family and friends looking at my struggling but feeling helpless about how to help. While I can see numerous ways for them to help, I have to trust they are doing their best with what they have. Single parenthood almost commands solidarity principles like understanding, reciprocity, and mutuality to be enacted in very thoughtful ways because community is vital within this experience. The body of a single parent becomes a vehicle for holding uncomfortable conversations, navigating how to get their needs met, and finding solutions to others not being able to honor those requests. In a state of desperation, a single parent still musters a way to have care. While it is difficult, it is a light toward possibility.This level of care feels liberatory since it is deprived from so many areas of our lives. Single parenthood demands high levels of communication, stating of needs, and dealing with the hurt of needs not being met for reasons one may not understand. It’s a worthy experience to consider and consult as we deal with the very difficult questions about the thin line between solidarity and comfort. As another example, where is the solidarity line between me asking for $5 to support my rent and instead a close loved one deciding their morning Starbucks coffee as more important for their mental state? On the other hand, witnessing someone I love that needs $5, knowing the coffee is what gets me through the day and so declining , and not holding myself with shame. For myself I answer this question by assuming my loved ones are doing their best and when it's not good enough loving them as best I can from a distance. Single parents are answering these questions everyday in their own ways and creating pockets of interpersonal liberation in doing so.

Liberation can happen inside of our interactions and can happen all the time all around us. Liberation and revolution roots in relationships. Anytime someone admits they were wrong and the person they wronged is both able to receive an apology and ask “what's going on with you?” A revolution happens. Anytime we replace compassion where there is typically punitive action a revolution happens. This also goes for relationships with ourselves. Anytime I see the rough skin created by eczema and kiss it with love - a revolution happens. Anytime I find my patterns shifting from shaming myself to holding myself with tenderness - there is a revolution. What if both single parenthood and sex work could be experiences where more stories and questions discover how care and compassion could be explored? Care and compassion being keys to liberatory work and actions.

In this article I am zooming in on two specific scenarios that relate to me but there are many experiences you could make the same argument for. Opportunities for more grounded care and intimacy with each other’s needs exist all around us . For example, the tension of Progressive Americans trying to deal with the shame of paying taxes to a government supporting Israel and still being in solidarity with Palestinians; to well meaning people living in high rise condos across the street from hundreds of unhoused people; to the smallest scale of middle class parents watching their adult children live in poverty. All of these examples are dealing with the intricacies of what it means to be in solidarity-where our needs mutually matter-and how we deal with the discrepancies in our everyday lives.

Sex work and single parenthood, similar to solidarity movements, deals in the minutiae of vulnerability, comfort, and what it means to be in relationship with someone. If we can provide belonging and care at our most vulnerable, if we can communicate clearly about what we want at our most exposed then we have the ability to create pockets of care in all of our relationships. That is what the owner of the instagram account @eroticsofliberation calls “the antithesis to everything cruel”-care. And isn’t care at the center of what we want in the solidarity world? Creating pockets of care lend to pockets of revolutions all around us. What we learn about care inside of these two experiences can expand to the larger ways that we relate to each other. We can expand the ways we envision liberation and become more empowered by starting with the relationships we are currently in.

A great account on instagram @eroticsofliberation has wonderful resources delving into topics around transformative justice, somatics, and care in our interpersonal relationships. If you want to explore these ideas more this is a fantastic account to visit.

Header image via @eroticsofliberation on Instagram.